Numerous cast and crew members scatter the interior of an abandoned warehouse. Centered among the production staff and fleet of digital cameras stands HEATH LEDGER, dressed in a purple overcoat and wearing Joker make-up. An artist is currently padding extra touch-up to his brow, when director CHRIS NOLAN enters the inner circle.
CHRIS NOLAN
Right, right, right. What's all this then, eh?
MAKE-UP ARTIST
Just adding a touch more to the face, Mr. Nolan, before I start with the neck and hands.
CHRIS NOLAN
What the bloody hell for? It's the Joker, not the bleeding Blue Man Group. When his hands aren't smattered up in someone else's blood, he's smearing cake on his gob. That's it, love. Get off the bloody set.
MAKE-UP ARTIST exits, muttering something distasteful about working with the British.
CHRIS NOLAN
Stupid bloody cow. It's not as if the Joker is suffering from an itching chemical reaction. He's a certifiable psychopath. Am I right, Heathy?
HEATH LEDGER
Well, actually, Chris, I don't know if you used to read any of the comics, but while researching "The Killing Joke" . . .
CHRIS NOLAN
All right, back to one, everybody! We're doing this without a rehearsal! Anyone seen Christian? I want him to see this.
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
He went to study some more martial arts lessons before visiting his mother and sister tonight.
CHRIS NOLAN
Bloody swell. Can we at least get his stand-in here?
Enter JACK NICHOLSON.
JACK NICHOLSON
Hope I'm not late. My chauffeur got lost on the way back from the liquor store.
CHRIS NOLAN
Well, isn't this quite the honor? Look who it is, everyone, the one who flew over the cuckoo's nest. The greatest actor of our time!
JACK NICHOLSON
Step aside, sonny. And, incidentally, I hate pretentious introductions. I want to purvey some wisdom into this young man's game plan.
HEATH LEDGER
Mr. Nicholson, it is indeed an honor to accept acting guidance from a patriot such as yourself.
JACK NICHOLSON
Can the pleasantries, Australia. Right now, I can think of at least ten things I hate about you. And don't get me started about the film you did about the fag cowboys.
HEATH LEDGER
We were sheep-herders.
JACK NICHOLSON
Shut up and listen to my terms of endearment. A few good men have played the Joker in the past: Cesar Romero, Mark Hamill, me . . . but if you are going to break through in this role, you know, really scare the shining ghost shit out of the people, well, something's gotta give, and let's all hope it's not your nerve. Now let me hear you laugh.
HEATH LEDGER
Well, I was going for something low key. Hee hee, ho, ha ha, hee hee, ho ho, ha.
JACK just blinks at him and waits for it to register.
JACK NICHOLSON
Is that as good as it gets?
HEATH LEDGER
Not scary enough?
JACK NICHOLSON
You're a monster, kid. So have a ball with it. Let me hear you roar. Your character is a lunatic, a wolf, in need of anger management. So quit clowning around and try and act like it.
HEATH coughs uneasily, checks the camera distance, and belts out a thunderous hyena laugh that dances through the air like a wounded sparrow.
CHRIS NOLAN
That's lunch, everybody. SAG actors get one hour. Everyone else, be back in ten.
All production staff exit, except for JACK and HEATH. JACK takes a swig out of something in a flask from his jacket pocket. HEATH swallows something out of a folded plastic wrapper hidden beneath his watchband.
JACK NICHOLSON
You've got talent, Australia, but your ass is on the edge unless you can broadcast the news that you're goin' south of the border. And your viewing public is the crossing guard. Now, one last detail, how is your heartburn?
HEATH LEDGER
My what?
JACK NICHOLSON
Your ticker, your didjeridu, your own portable drum kit. "How is your health?" is what I'm asking.
HEATH LEDGER
Well, I'm as healthy as a blade of grass on brokeback mountain, mate.
JACK NICHOLSON
Watch the powder then, ironweed. Or else, you'll end up as one of the departed. And when it comes to accepting Oscars, you won't be there.
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